I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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