its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
