I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
