i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
