I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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