I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
