we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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