I CAN MOONWALK!
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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