We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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