I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
