she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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