this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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