When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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