i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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