1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
