how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
