Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
