i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just gift wrapped bread.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
