this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
