it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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