I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
