i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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