he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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