I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
