We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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