So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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