i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
