i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
