Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
