lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
