Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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