I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
