I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
