I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
