my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
