Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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