gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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