i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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