So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
