So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
