Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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