I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
