If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
