Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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