Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
