if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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