Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
