my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
