how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
