So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
