So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
