You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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