Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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