just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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