i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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