Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
