you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
