Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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