Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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