Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
