When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
